Fade into Peaceful Silence

"Not merely an absence of noise, Real Silence begins when a reasonable being withdraws from the noise in order to find peace and order in his inner sanctuary." ~ Peter Minard 

Or HER inner sanctuary. just sayin'. 

Most of my days, My Inner Sanctuary is ready for me in the wee early morning hours. My hubbie dutifully hit the alarm clock at 4:30am-ish. He was off to the gym. Half conscious, I hoped I'd be awake before he arrived back so I could dutifully-housewifey-with-aprony make his much-needed latte-y. Crap, this morning I did not, but (check it out, and make a note of this) I got the bonus prize of the short stick game for being a slacker wifey. I was still in bed when I felt him lean over my very tired-arse body to kiss little Miss Sophia on the cheek (yes, she still worms her way into our bed - don't tell my Mom! PLEASE!) Not sure why I'm second in line, but I get a kiss, too. And I fumble a return kiss for him. Then I get another kiss back. Dude, I scored over Sophia - how rare, I relish it! 

His footsteps fade before sunrise, and it aches my heart. Then he tries to close the rain-soaked door. The door rattles and slams, and I think I heard him kick the friggin' door? Or did he try to kick a cat? I don't know what he was doing, but I do know that it was making wa-a-a-y too much noise. If anything, I knew our two indoor/outdoor cats would welcome the obnoxious noise and the one pathetic dim light of the kitchen. And, ah hell get out, I'm awake now... where's my latte-y... where's the cat food... 

Me, a little unnerved, yes. 

Me, more gratified! YES! 

Why, you ask? 

I am MOM, therefore, I have a very precious smidgen of time to relish SILENCE. Of course this is no match to the silence I hope to reach in my yoga class. Namaste!  But it's pure silence for a MOM at 5am-ish. The geek in me defines this moment as the vertex of the parabolic diagram. If you are a Fellow Geek, you know what I'm asayin'! It is super über silence between when my hubbie leaves for work, the cats have settled down after their pre-sunrise spaz-attacks, and most importantly, before the kids stir and wake up. SILENCE OF VERTEX!

Silence is Golden. I know this oh-so-well because Noise defines my day as a SAHM. My Days with Kids. It's Winter Break. Need I say more. And I will: 

My kids woke up this morning full of energy. Why not?! They enjoyed a blissful day yesterday with grandparents. They have no clue how lucky they are. One. Two. Three. Four. Four Grandparents here, now, today, being goofy, even relaying weird cultural anecdotes that I need to explain to the kids later. Magic tricks • How to throw a dart • "You know, Young Man, when I was your age..." • HOW TO WIN • What's the football score on TV? • Over indulgence of chocolate and anything with 105% sugar-base • Adorable animated toy characters that repeat the same friggin' thing over and over...and over (where's the gun, Mabel?) • Where can we get more AA batteries? 

Wait, sorry, we are bonding with Grandparents. I forgot. Continue... Oh, how I love this. 

Special thanks to December, I'm a little spaz-tic myself. I am the door that is too stubborn to shut but willing to take a good old fashioned kick in the arse.

I think I meant to talk about The Noises of Today: 

Today was partly defined by cloudy sky hiding the anticipated Lunar Eclipse (It's okay, I missed it, I know it happened, it's all good, there will be another one in my lifetime...on another cloudy night, fer sure.) 

Peaceful rain drops 

Chickens crowed, ready for worms 

Cats meowed, not ready for more rain 

Trees stubbornly bend in the wild wind 

I stubbornly bend in the wild wind

Noise has defined my day. My One Day with Kids. 

Favorite Noise - Listening to KLOS. Two for Tuesday. Which means when they play Led Zep, I am in pure heavenly bliss for a full half an hour! Thank you, Robert! 

Surprise Favorite Noise - My kids wearing flip flops in the SoCali rain. We all accidentally spashed into a huge parking lot puddle. We all roared in unexpected laughter. Must have been 2pm-ish, and I finally noticed—while they laughed wildy—all three of my kids have matching purple smoothie moustaches (2 hours old). 

No wonder the elderly ladies were looking at us with a smirk. I imagine they will blab about this in their knitting group.

Ah, yes, makes me remember, yet how can I forget: 

The One Day Knitting Club

xoxo Breeze

To Just Be

I am lying down, face up, on a hard wood floor.  Every piece of my physical body sinks to its utter base to meet the earth of these very hard wood floors.  Four walls of the room coddles its own heavy warm air.  My eyes are closed, relaxed, soft.  I take this moment to rest, reflect, and rest again... when else will I have this chance.  I relish this moment.  Relish this moment.  This moment.  Moment.  It's all I want, all I need... a moment to just be.

The most pure silence reveals quiet footsteps coming towards me and delicately, respectfully, stepping around me.  I sense the other body stepping over me.  I feel the subtle vibrations in the floor, I smell his breath.  Breath of a pure stranger.  I must trust him.  I take my own breath of anticipation, quickly followed by a devoted Pranayama (breath control.)  I remind myself that I am safe here.  I am safe here.  Just breathe.

My Yogi positions himself over me.  I lie open and vulnerable, blind and open.  His hands gently and firmly push my stubborn shoulder blades down further into the Earth.  It hurts.  I imagine, someone else must find some relief in this.  I don't.  It makes me wonder, why do I hold so much weight, so much resistance, so much pain in my weak shoulders?

Why do I hold so much in my weak shoulders? 
I painfully realize the reflection in all of this.

I am lying down, face up, on a damp forest floor.  I am too young.  Every piece of my physical body sinks to its utter base to meet the earth of this very unforgiving dirt.  I am too young.  Open walls of a dark sky and a chill in the air.  My eyes are closed, anxious, fearful.  I have no moment to reflect, why would I.  I am too young.  I smell his breath.  Breath of a pure stranger.  I do not trust him.  I take my own breath of anticipation.  I have this chance to relish this moment.  I am too young. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, of this moment to relish.  I am too young.  All that is left is just enough to make a young girl's life awfully confusing and difficult for awhile...

Lying down, face up, on a wood floor, sinking into my Earth.  All I have to do is breathe and let the Earth support me.  The vibrations of his footsteps fade into peaceful silence.

xoxo Breeze

I'm Shakin' in My Boots!

Friends, it is a rare occurance, but sometimes I paint myself into a corner.  If you have not noticed, my blogs end with the title of my next blog... with no fore thought.

So now I must start with a topic about "Shakin' in my Boots."  WTF!  I've been stumped about this topic for a few days, but the beauty of motherhood and Mommy friends is that it—whatever IT is—is given to you/me unexpectedly.  Thank you to my Mommy friend who said so matter of fact, "I told him, I want BOOTS for Christmas."  I hear you, Sister.  That's all I want, too!  Boots!  My feet are freezing! Grey, knitted, three buttons, Ugg label somewhere. That's all. My friend and I have the very same boots in mind! Great minds think alike, am I right, Sisters?

All that fun and frivolity aside, this made me think,  
What do I REALLY want...

Shakin' in my Boots.  I'm frazzled.  Pier 1 wants me to buy every adorable item in their store. Home Goods is calling my name.  TJ Maxx, let's not go there.  Holiday Tea Parties and Gift Giving Soirees are lining up. Santa photos with kids are penciled in.  Volunteer/donations inked for three of my kids' classes. The very stressful Family Gift List is half way solidified thanks in part to my brother (being ocd for once) and UPS.  My Beloved Friend still has my panties, and I venture to her "gift exchange" party within a weeks time.  There's more, no doubt, but my Post-It is conveniently MIA. I'm feeling a little frazzled, I'm feeling my boots shakin'. But it'll be OKAY!

For me, this year is different. I am shakin' in my boots to face this holiday season with family and friends to celebrate ALL OF US without my 5th, maybe 6th, chardonnay in hand.  I do not know how to do this because I have never done it before... like, since I was 14. No joke.

What do I REALLY want...

To enjoy my Beloved Inner Circle of Trust without a 5th glass in hand.
Afterall, they are the ones who love me no matter what... whether I am drunk as a skunk... or, worse, myself...

Will this be a selfless gift for them or selfish gift for me? 

My gift is to be better, be sober, be open, be vulnerable, be strong, be creative, and be waiting.

To Just Be.

xoxo Breeze

I Do Not Hold the Golden Key, But You Hold My Panties

So my husband is probably the only man reading my SAHM blog, but he obviously carries a lot of weight in his praise and critiques.  Well, maybe "critique" is a strong word, after all, he certainly does not want to be exhiled from my blog forum, nor do I want to meet a reason to kick him out of my Girlie Club.  Let's just say he is welcome to offer "suggestions."

He loved my last blog, the one that took me quite unexpectedly into a deeper revelation of life as a middle-age (cough) mom caring for my little ones and slowly, very knowingly caring for my own parents.  He noted, this is the age. We are "in the in between." He loved the blog... and added, "You know that no one can hold the Golden Key."

I retort, "No one?...what?...someone does. Who do you think does?"  He shrugs.

For the past few days, I have been consumed with thoughts of existentialism, spiritualism, maternalism, and mortality.  Who holds the Golden Key?  Oh the weight of it has brought me down.  And when I get down, I seek supreme humor. Here we go:

I'm shaken in my boots, and it's not because of this California Winter.  It's because of the upcoming "Winter Formal" holiday party that my dear pal has planned.  She hosts a fun "White Elephant Gift Exchange" holiday party.  Notably, she has something valuable of mine, and even worse, she has an equally—if not more—wicked sense of humor than mine.  I'm scared!  This is Naughty Vs. Naughty!

Backtrack a few months. A thank you letter to My Beloved Friend from Me:

"Hi [My Beloved Friend]!

Thank you for a wonderful evening! I know we left earlier than usual.  I think I mentioned that my sinusitis has not been very forgiving, and is partly to blame for this funny one:

I woke up tired yesterday but had things to do. By afternoon, I let [hubby] takes the kids to the dentist so I could nap. And I reluctantly took a Dayquil pill. I rarely take those things cuz they make me so dopey!  Well, despite being DAYquil, I fell asleep and woke up at 4pm wondering where the hell I was and why was it daylight at 4am?!  Where were my kids? Why is the tv still on?  Yah, that's where I was yesterday afternoon!

So after coffee, dinner and a red wine, we ventured to your place for some fun!

Before we left, and whilst I was trying to wrangle my kids, I was on the patio when I noticed a little piece of black fabric on the floor.  I assumed it was part of a kids costume, dragged out. But nooo, it was a cute little black thong! I quickly swooped it up and thought, "Sweet! [My Beloved Friend] wears the same VS thong I do! It's soooo comfy!"  Being a fab friend that I am, I discreetly placed it on your little catch-all table, probably too close to someone's hat.  Sorry about that.  But I figured you'd find it eventually and tuck it away.

Back at home and ready for sleep (again) I wiggled out of my jeans, and it hit me:  
HOLY F*CK!  I was wearing the same jeans earlier but put on my pjs for my afternoon nap.  Quick to get changed for your party, I slipped my jeans back on, with a fresh pair o' panties, of course!

See where this is going?

YOU LEFT YOUR PANTIES IN MY JEANS!  LOL!

[My Beloved Friend}... seriously, feel free to grab some tongs and grab those thongs and drop them in the trash! I am soooo sorry! WTF!!!!
signed,
Your unabashed pal"

I never got my panties back, so with good reason, I am shaking in my boots!



xoxo Breeze